The Story of Beautiful Girl

The Story of Beautiful Girl by Rachel Simon

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


The teaser in the cover had attracted my eyes, especially with a deaf charater, a character with a developmental disability, an old woman content in her life; all became chaotics with a newborn baby. The reading would keep you hanging in there, wanting to know what happens next; it's not easy to put aside to sleep or work. Heartfelt, thought-provoking, and despite the despair, you find glimpses of hope and determination to live for the baby and love. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT- if you have ten books to read for the year, I beg you to include this book on the list!



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Characteristics of a Successful marriage from an Hippie Deaf Woman. Part 1

I had thought long about writing on healthy marriage. Now with four friends who are getting married this year, I thought I’d write them and brides in general, advice that I hope, will be heeded especially in contributions to their marriage’s success. It’s for y’all, lil’ gals!

*Note: It is long so I’m going to break it up into three pieces.


The characteristics of a successful marriage

Now, I hadn’t been married, *gasp! How dare she to make presumptions on how marriages can be successful? * Now, before you go and switch to the WoW link, I dare you to read on and determine if you have the courage…. Or not to preserve your marriage and sanity.


First point:
You’re dating your boyfriend for three months then… *gasp*…you had run out of conversation! That’s when one quickly offers, “Let’s get married!” Now that’s a BAD idea… trust me on that. I can count off all of my fingers and toes and some, on how many weddings had started that way and…ended up in divorces, except for one- that’s the exception. they manage to keep the marriage going on by having the marriage open (If you don’t know what that means, I’m not going to volunteer that information.)

This idea goes the same for having children- now don’t presume I hate children- I do love them….but I find it disturbing when the couple are sitting there figuring out the table placements for the wedding guests, with the wedding coming up in a month (the bride, really, the groom wouldn’t care much in general- he’s fine with the deaf brother sitting next to a teenager who lives for guttural Goth music), and she then realizes, “what could we talk about after the wedding??!” and the groom picks up on the tension…. and the words come out, “We should have a baby right away.”

Now if the couple had been together for more than a year; their relationship secure and stable, high confidence in each other, valuing each other’s personal space when needed, and having the capability to make long-term plans, then they can go ahead and talk about babies!

It’s those couples who are planning a wedding because their older sister is getting wedded. Maybe it is that they don’t want to be left behind when everyone else are getting married. Suddenly, they are running out of conversation, and to include children…that’s a red flag.

I cannot tell you how often I work with children who are unhappy in the family because the parents didn’t get to know each other, and they started to loathe the other. In a hasty decision to “save” the marriage, children were born which, I guarantee, leaves the children to deal with life-long therapy! The point would be: get to know each other, learn flaws and quirks; adapt to each other’s routines and behavior (even his tendency to read Sundays newspaper from front page to sports on the toilet), and be willing to acknowledge if the relationship won’t work out.

There’s no shame in ending the relationship BEFORE considering marriage- only to get married to ‘save’ the relationship is not the solution, period. If you insist on wanting to get married because your mother wants you to get married before you hit the 30’s, then it is necessary to have couple therapy/martial therapy and learn how to ensure that the relationship will be maintained well through 30-50 years, instead of 6 months to 20 years (standard these days).

Second Point:
Don’t compare your wedding to others’ weddings. Your wedding is yours alone, and I don’t give a shit whether you spent 40,000 or 1,000 dollars on it…it’s still YOURS. The wedding is when you and your husband’s personality will be shining out there.

I’ll tell you what stands out the most in my mind. I remember the ceremony at the waterfall, monarch butterflies released at the end of the ceremony, the colorful sunflowers and wheat centerpieces, among the Native American museum antiques, and the bride’s crown of sunflowers and her simple dress that she made from a 1940’s pattern, than so many brides’ weddings that seem to be all alike-- fancy churches, stiff fancy flowers, bows behind chairs, silver/gray gifts, formal bridesmaid gowns, and whatever food they have. I had gone to about :::counting::::: 37 weddings. And I’ll tell you…I only remember two out of 37 weddings I’ve attended.
Why did I only remember 2 out of 37 weddings? The weddings were very simple; the bride and husband’s personalities STOOD OUT among the decorations, the food and the joy among themselves, the unique quirks in the wedding such as mead, the broom wrapped in flowers and feathers, the husband bending his knee and asking his bride for her permission to be her knight… How could one NOT forget all that?

Now, before you presume I’m criticizing your wedding, perhaps I AM….in a way, if your wedding is similar to other weddings. Oh- everyone have the same colors, the same gown, the same marching music, the same songs, the same food, the same dances--perhaps it WILL be forgotten, but all this will stand in your and your future husband’s memory. Maybe you’ll remember every single detail of your wedding... then more power to you. But your guests won’t remember.

That’s a fact. Unfortunately, I had talked to many friends who had gone to weddings AND the friends who had gotten wedded; either regretting or fondly recalling….and they’ll say… they can’t remember the cake’s flavor, what was so funny at the ceremony, what’s so cute about the flower girl.

So you have to dare yourself and FIND something unique! Don’t go for ice sculptures, don’t go for 6-tier cakes, and don’t go for pink-black bridesmaid gowns… (I can’t tell you how often I had seen that!) do something UNIQUE. Keep this in mind….when you scoff at another bride’s ideas for her bohemian wedding, her simple dress, her idea of having a 1940’s trolley bus for transportation, homemade cupcakes of red velvet and carrot cake with frosting in sunflower shape, or having belly-dancers at her wedding…all that will be a guarantee that the guests will remember her $1,000 wedding instead of your $35,000 wedding consisting of ice decorations, matching bridesmaid gowns, the ceiling-tall flower centerpieces, and the white glittery cake with the chocolate flavor. And to add, to expect the groom to remember the first dance song, don’t carry a grudge that he doesn’t! The wedding does not shape the marriage; it is the relationship that shapes the marriage. Yes, the wedding planning can be a challenge to the relationship, but that’s a good way to test whether the relationship can handle the roller coaster of the temporary obstacle of the wedding!

Characteristics of a Successful marriage from an Hippie Deaf Woman. Part 2

Third Point:
I know a good friend- her marriage is ongoing for, oh 27 years… dang, how do they do that?! Easily done! They got to know each other for about three years before deciding on the chain-and-ball tradition. Then they decided to explore the world together. They tasted distinctive fare, they spent so much time with each other, re-learning each other and became a true couple; they talked and listened to each other, compromised on things, agreed to disagree on things, and went to bed not angry.

They did not see each other as a handicap…if she wanted to hang out with her girlfriends, she did. He wanted to attend a chess club every Monday, he did. They had an enduring Wednesday date, spending time together, going to the movies, eating out, caving, and making an ice igloo in their backyard. AND then they decided to have children, and they were all ready to have the children. They viewed having children was an enhancement to their family; they had reached all their goals/dreams and they were set for children. And so they did….they have two handsome and smart sons who were happy with the family. The sons have profited from the parents’ experiences and exposure to the enriching cultures around the world; the older son is an exchange student in Finland, and the younger son is speaking three languages at age of 11. The best part? The family is going on strong for 27 years.

Now what am I talking about?? I’m using this example to compare with many people either I know and/or observed, who had gotten wedded and then planned to have a child-- thinking they could still strive for their dreams of becoming an attorney or be rich by late 20’s or 30’s. Unfortunately, more than 75% had given up on their dreams/goals because they couldn’t-- the children demanded more than the parents expected, and the light in the eyes had gone out, and then resentment grew toward the children. “If not for you, I would have been a doctor!” “I could have been a model but no, having you had ruined my shape!” “You’re selfish, you should be thankful that I gave up school for you” I had heard it all from friends or children/adolescents of families that did not make long-term plans, determine resources available to them, and realize obstacles that may face them.

Now on the other hand, I do know some friends who are determined- both parents are in college, while juggling with two children, employment, bills and assignments. They go to bed exhausted, and they wonder “where could I find energy tomorrow morning?” It does help that they had considered the obstacles, they decided how to face the challenge of balance of school and children, by making compromises, finding resources (campus daycare or sister willing to watch children after school) and making time for the family itself- it’s not easy…they tend to wait until holidays to seize the chance to spend time together. It has been tough, very tough, that one might think the father or mother would have thrown in the towel- but they haven’t…. the couple made a promise to each other to support each other, take turns in giving each other well-deserved breaks and love each other despite the children’s messes on the floor and take-out food in the fridge. Yes, I’ll get to the point…. The couple needs to learn how to compromise, to support each other, and not practice “My way or the highway!”


Fourth Point:
There are lies; gray lies and white lies. No lies around that, serious. I have seen marriages end because of lies, and secrets. I have seen the spouse struggle with discovery of the lies that had been wrapped around the relationship. I have witnessed the other spouse feeling terrible for not coming out with the truth in the beginning. I knew a friend who had lied to her family and that she had graduated from school but hadn’t luck finding a job for the ‘major’ she had graduated in. She married a guy who loved her- he even offered to work two jobs so she can stay home and take care of their children. She didn’t want that- she insisted on doing a part-time job “to keep out of the house” and didn’t want the husband to come visit her at work due to the “company policy.” Only when he got a call that she was killed in a head-on car accident (her fault), did he find out that she was not working where she claimed working at, she was working at UPS, she had no life insurance, and she had piles of bills hidden in her own car, all unpaid for years, collectors chasing after her, and due to her putting down fake phone numbers, they could not call at the house. She could be at home to get the mail and hide them before the husband would come home. He ended up with $78,000 dollars of bills, on top of a lawsuit by the other driver who had been severely hurt. He told me something that I’d never forget, “If I had known all this, would I have married her? No. She lied, and that is a lie of our own family and marriage, it was all fake. I thought I knew her, and turned out she had been a stranger all along.”

So, I’ll tell you- Don’t lie. If you want to hide number of your lovers in the past, go ahead…. But if an ex-girlfriend shows up with a 7 years old child at the door, don’t expect the pregnant wife to turn the other cheek and welcome the fact that you had lied to her about not having any children before. If you have a warrant for your arrest, and you lie about never being in court, and then for the new bride to find out this at the airport, which you cannot go to Italy for the honeymoon, you’re SO in trouble…she’ll definitely tell EVERYONE on Twitter and everyone will wonder “I thought I knew him….” Keep things mysterious, sure, for fun, but to keep secrets that you know can bite you back, you’re just opening a door you thought, had been bricked up- It hadn’t…not with the weak mortar of the lies.

Bucket list... Goals....."Things to do"..... for 2011

First of all, I'm reassuring you..I'm not dying, nor with any intention to end myself by end of this year...I just like the sound of the "Bucket List"! :D

After skimming through the book "The Happy Book" (Here is the link to the book), I was thinking..and noticed a friend doing her list- I was like 'Doh! that's what I had been thinking for a long while, but needed someone to smack me in the head first!" That's what I had been wanting to do, a list- since I had been noticing that my list grows, grows and grows as older I get, and I don't get to do much of 'em..perhaps that's why I'm very much "down' these days... this would help with keeping me busy, and motivated for this year...I'll worry about 2012..heck, they say that's when everything ends.. the perfect quote.."I have goosebumps, people."

So here is the list...I will add if I desire..and if in process, the goal will be showed this way, and when the goal is accomplished, the goal will be marked.

Learning
Ghost Hunting 101 at University of Louisville/Delphi Center
Writing/publishing a book.
Sand Tray techniques
Learn how to make a tube drum (1/11)

Self-Care
Write a letter about bad memories to a relative and do a burning/cleansing ritual.
Walk 25 labyrinths.
Stop being the peacekeeper and stand up for myself.
Make a list of things that make me happy- small, big, profound, simple
List about what you really like about yourself.
Do an unplugged day.
Ask friends to do compliments about me, (words, artwork, whatever!) and make a poster.


Books
The Happy Book
Feminism: The Essential Historical Writings
He's a Stud, She's a Slut and 49 Other Double Standards Every Women Should Know
The Feminine Mystique
Sexual Politics
(the list is long..I'll keep 'em on Goodreads- you can look 'em up.)
Make a list of your favorite childhood books and explain why you love them.

Community
See The Vagina Monologues
Play in Vagina Monologues (If you know V-Day w/ deaf themes in 2011, ring me up!)
AIDS Walk
Habitat for Home in New Orleans
Set up a community activity of creating a labyrinth of shoes
Do a cheer-up package for a friend or three.

Art
Create a mosaic of a labyrinth.
Paint again.
Start and finish a quilt.
After going to an event of your favorite activity (comic, science fiction, romance convention) and get freebies, do a bulletin board with the collection.
Scrapbook on collection of postcards


Health
Go to the gym 3 times a week.
Attend monthly health seminars at the gym
Do Wii Fit at home 1-2 times a week.
Look at yourself in the mirror and say "You're getting there" and smile at yourself.
Lose 25 pounds.


charity
Volunteer for clean-up at a national park
Donate hair for Locks of Love and in honor of my aunt, cancer suvivor.
Drop off clothes at Goodwill
Freecycle listing of the television and entertainment center
Donate money to a non-profit organization fighting domestic violence
Donate money to Green Project- New Orleans
Make cookies and donate to a soup kitchen.

Just for fun of it
Get a tattoo of triple labyrinth on your shoulder
Get the frog tattoo refreshed/re-colored.
Try something that you had never tried before.
Try a new food each month. (Greek yogurt 1/11)
Send beanie dolls to American soldiers (anysoldier.com) (1/11)
Take pictures around the town, with quirky things and create artwork from photos.
Write 20 posts for my blog for 2011.
Go naked, fingerpaint/paint the walls (in the shower) and self.
Watch a meteor shower at the wee hours of August
Attend a Comic book convention.
Go to a Science-fiction con.
Have your 'gnome'(my stuffed Erif Horse) at weird places taken with photos!


Blow bubbles at your porch and observe visuals through the bubbles.
Play with playdoh- do the 10 things with them (your name, an image of yourself, cupcakes, animals, landscape, and so on.) (1/11)
Make the perfect kid's day menu and eat the food on the menu- you ARE a kid that day!

As promised.

Vacations/Trips
Wisconsin

3 Road trips in 2011 (Wisconsin, 1/11)

Nashville, TN (country music sightseeing)

Waverly Hills Sanatorium

Star Trek Exhibition/Louisville Science Center

The Good, The Bad, the Cuddly- toys at Frazier International Historical Museum

Ventriloquist museum- Fort Mitchell, KY (only museum about ventriloquists in the world)

Fluctuating Days of October

How much I love the month of October; the beauty of red, orange and yellow coloring the world, the crispy taste of cold mornings, the leaf-dancing breezes, the chilling joy of Samhain (Halloween to y'all non pagans) and the mystery of night ever alive in this Hunter's Moon. Opportunties to taste pumpkin pie, hot chocolate, pork and squash; to gut a pumpkin and see the face light up in night; and to walk among the leaves and music of the trees preparing to sleep.



Yet..I hate October. Of all months, October is tough to me. A discovery of a murdered woman among the fallen leaves; most forgotten by everyone except for her family and I, although the name is starting to fade from memory. A relative's death by suicide; common in my family, it seems, just like leaves falling one by one. A car hitting me, leaving me with my own struggle, one foot in the summerlands and one foot in the world here, and not knowing if I would survive, but to survive paralyzed or whole. Masks discharged, revealing true or false friendships in the true environment of the hospital. Power struggles during the vulnerable moment of the hour.

I'm reminded gently by the Goddess, that October is of balance. Dark and Light. Whispers in the silent darkness, foretelling new beginnings. Mystery of Life and Death. Samhain is a time of introspection, of emptying the false from the mind, heart, and soul. Dawn and Twilight. Two sides of the coin. Cannot have one without the other. The only choice I have is how I live walking the path of the labyrinth, among the fallen fire-colored leaves.

Canvas Labyrinth

I had applied for a mini-grant in a goal to get a canvas labyrinth. Why a canvas labyrinth? It is mobile. I can take it out and unwrap it to have it available for clients or staff. I can bring it to workshops and presentations at conferences to show the benefits of using labyrinths for both therapeutic usage and de-stressing. When it is not needed, I can fold it and put it in a bin to put away 'til it's needed. I don't have to worry about finances in building a permanent labyrinth, or of figuring where to set up a temporary labyrinth. Don't get me wrong- I enjoyed doing that chalk labyrinth! It is just that they can't expect me to up and make one when someone needs it! The cement'd need to be cleaned, ropes and measurement tapes'd be needed to set up, and hour of back-bending labor- it can be exhausting!
Now I had found out that I had been approved to get a canvas labyrinth- so I'm SO thrilled, beyond imagination!!! It is like it is destiny of mine to introduce the labyrinth's poetic beauty and serene environment. I'm so excited to order the labyrinth! This is what I plan to order from The Labyrinth Company.



I'll do a labyrinth presentation at SERID this fall, as well as at the Deafestival in Kentucky. ::dancing around:::

Chalk labyrinth at where I work!

It had rained last night and the cement was damp at the Behavioral Health playground. That did not stop Jeremy K. and me from creating the chalk labyrinth we had planned for 3 weeks. The goal of making the labyrinth was to provide a therapeutic tool for the clients to explore to see whether it would benefit them. Staff and co-workers weren’t forgotten- they can use the labyrinth as well, for relaxation/de-stressing.


What is the word, “labyrinth?” According to the dictionary, labyrinths are places constructed with intricate passageways. The obvious difference between labyrinths and mazes is that mazes have dead ends and confusing passages, while one enters the labyrinth in one entrance and leave in the very same doorway. By walking the maze, one might experience confusion, frustration and anxiety, trouble trusting the surroundings, and the ultimate goal is to “Get out of this environment.” With the labyrinth, it is a safe environment, awakening the right side of the brain which leads to self exploration, finding the quiet in the mind, problem-solving and at least but important, meditation and relaxation skills.

Labyrinths had been used for children with ADHD, grief/loss groups, survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault, corporate teams for brainstorming, college students before final exams, recovering addicts from substance abuse, families with someone in the hospice/nursing homes, and individuals struggling with terminal diseases.


Labyrinths can be created with anything. Ropes, painting, grass, wildflowers, bricks, stones and spotlights have been used. Labyrinths can be permanent (stones or grass), or can be temporary (spotlights and chalk). One can even have a mobile labyrinth by using a canvas and bring it to workshops, clients at other locations when it is not possible for the clients to come to a permanent location. With all this knowledge I have, I decided that we will create a labyrinth at work. Using chalk to create the labyrinth is decided due to reasons: a) temporary on the basketball court, b) can be washed away by rain and c) cheaper to do than using other kind of materials.

We started with measuring the starting points, then starting with a rope in making circles for the labyrinth with the chalk. Upon completion of lines, we filled in with thicker chalk marks, to make it easier for people to walk the path. Having the variety of chalk makes it more fun for us as well! The creation of the labyrinth was bigger than we expected. I first estimated it to take 3-4 hours to complete, but with Jeremy working with me, we completed it in an hour and half!


I introduced some clients to the labyrinth during the week. One client who was struggling with domestic violence walked the labyrinth, and held a rock saying “love”. She hoped for an answer to whether her husband can learn to love her. After the walk, she said, “when walking, I was thinking about the abuse; I got to the center (of the labyrinth), I realized something: I need to learn to love myself; without that, how can I learn to love healthily?” A client with impulsive/anger issues had thought walking the labyrinth “silly” when he saw it, but chose to walk it to “see how it’d work.” While he was walking, I observed he was walking fast toward the center, and then he started to slow down. When he started to walk back- he walked much slower, very much like an older man. He was not ready to talk about the walk. He agreed to think about what he had experienced and see me next week. I saw him yesterday; he displayed a clear-eyed calmness and he was ready to talk. He said he could not help but recalls obstacles he experienced through his hard life, and turning corners on the labyrinth reminded him of those. When thinking he was about to get close to the center, he found himself on the longer path instead. He then realized, “When I look for short-cuts, I fall into holes. I have to take the long way, to learn and help myself.”
I’m not saying that the labyrinths are a cure-all, or that it is good for everyone. It won’t work with people with severe psychosis or major depression. What is the purpose of a labyrinth, then? A meditative tool. A safe place to pray and to ‘slow down.’ A physical walk to slow the over-thinking and increase listening mindfully. A client-therapist connection; the therapist to be the guardian at the gate where the client walks in and explore herself. A path that leads you to where you subconsciously need to be at that time, peace within yourself and perhaps something that you are ready to hear or not.

Sherrilyn Kenyon!!!!

I'm still rechecking the book "Devil May Cry" over and over to look at the writing/signing that Sherrilyn Kenyon did for me. It was wonderful to see her at the Borders the bookstore, and it was MUCH better with an interpreter. I cannot stress how much the staff helped ensure that I could have access at the reading and also at the signing. Stacy of Borders (at 104th and I-25 here in Northglenn) was very helpful. They reserved two chairs for me and the interpreter(Val in the white dress in one photo), and ensured that the interpreter would have a spot to sign while Sherrilyn Kenyon spoke and did a questions-and-answers section. At no point, did I feel left out. Sherrilyn Kenyon did look at me when she realized that I was deaf and so we talked a bit about sign language; that she couldn't sign much due to her hand being broken in the past. I did tell her that if she ever comes to DC, I'd be too happy to teach her sign language! I hope that bookstores can read this and realize how accessible (and simple)it can be for deaf readers/customers to participate in any signing/readings of amazing authors. Heck, even during the reading of tickets on who'd win stuff, the interpreter notified them of my number, and even when I went to the coffee section to get away from crowds (I confess, I feel uneasy in crowds), the wonderful assistant went down to give me a poster I won! They didn't HAVE to, but they did.

I cannot stress hard enough how I REALLY appreciated being an active participant in this event thatI will never forget! Here is the photos!

Missions, Bays and graduate school, oh my!

Have been busy so far in California! Had gone to Morro Bay, Cambria, Elephant Seal Vista. I cannot describe what I have seen of the seals. So many seals! A lot of seals starting to molt, so it's very much seeing st. bernard dogs having chunks of fur missing, crumps of overgrown matted hair here and there! I saw a couple of male elephant seals fighting so it was very much a boxing fight! I could see far into the ocean but not the ocean horizon due to fog. Morro Bay was quite nifty. I am going kayaking there next week, so it should be interesting. Yes I had kayaked in a river before but in a bay, never had done! At this time, I'm trying to figure how to put pictures here- I forgot again. I'm using my laptop so I don't have the program in which I could transfer pictures to internet to edit into the article. Sorry! One of you'd have to feel sorry and send me the program again. *crackle*
I also saw two missions today. No, no, not "Mission Impossible" things! It's Spanish 'churches' from when Spain owned California and other states before they were even named or even owned by United States! They were very impressive to the point that I could see how important they were for the Spanish community back then, a day's journey between each mission. They represented "civilization" as well as a stable routine where one could have expected assistance with birth baptisms, weddings, funerals, last rites, politics, history, education and even teaching how to raise crops. The missions I went, had raised olives, grapes (one mission still have the original grape tree from 1779), avocades, etc. I may not be a christian but I can see how the missions were very important back then.

Oh yeah, before I complete this entry- I wish to announce- I got accepted for graduate school (Mental Health Counseling)!!! I will start this fall semester. So I'm looking forward to it! As one of my professors said after I informed her, "Now the hard work begins but you will be successful." You know what? I can't wait!

Aspirations encouraged by an encounter with a Deaf teacher.

When I read the article about Susan Elliot, I wasn't surprised about her accomplishments. She was one of teachers I had while I was in high school. Damned proud of her!

http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/news_columnists/article/0,1299,DRMN_86_5319432,00.html

I grew up with the belief that once deaf persons become adults, they are put somewhere or put to sleep. (Odd thought, I know) But that belief was because I NEVER had seen a DEAF ADULT as a child and even in adolescene. So it was all a mystery to me. Susan Elliot was the first deaf adult I had ever encountered. I'm telling you, worlds opened to me when I met her! I asked her about her schooling, colleges, her goals (teaching.) She was a spark of life; you could say she brightened any room she comes in. I was there when she found out she would get the US West teacher award. Reporters came to the high school to talk with her and I realized then there that if she can be successful, so can deaf people! I found hope blooming within me.

I didn't stay with her all day in the deaf classroom because I was too advanced in education. I attended classes with interpreters but I saw her everyday, especially when it was time for homeroom. She was there when I had flashbacks of a childhood trauma; I started seeing a counselor with her encouragementand her pushing my mother to let me see a deaf counselor, no less! Another deaf adult!

I was aspiring to be a teacher like her. Knowing that deaf adults do live and that they can be successful, I joined the drama club, the biology club, the Future Teachers organization and debate club. I set up plans to go to college and I was accepted. It was then when I found out I don't like kids! Hahaha! I do like them but not enuff to teach them! I wasn't sure. It was when I remember the deaf counselor. I admit, it took years before I realized that mental health was right for my career after I worked at two organiations working with deaf clients with mental disorders! What can I say? Better late than never!

Nevertheless, it was Susan Elliot (thro I knew her with a previous last name, what do you expect..she was a Miss, not a Mrs when I met her!) that encouraged me to dare to DREAM. To KNOW that I can be successful. To realize that I can help people (thro in a different path than hers.) Thanks, Susan!

Dream.

Very vivid dream..... I have been mulling on this dream since I woke up this morning. I was hobbling with crutches down a street at night, with street lights lit to show old cars, newspapers there and here, a rat scurrying through trashcans... A man in a old raincoat came up to me, and said, "Name is Mister Djinn" (in this dream I could hear and speak.) I said "interesting name." and was preparing to walk past him when he said, "you know genies could give wishes?" I said, "Yeah, I heard about that." I was about to walk away when he said "If I am a real genie, what wish would you like to have, and it is only ONE wish." I looked at him, and said "any kind of wish?" He said "only one that affects YOU, and do not take from other people. An example would be wishing for money and you'd be rich, but your grandma might have been dead for that." Hmm. I looked at him and said "I'd wish that I hadn't been hit by that car on Oct 21st, 2005." He looked at me steadily and then said quietly, "Before granting that wish, I believe we will walk on the past path." Fog came up and envoloped us both... When fog faded away, I saw that we were in Duport Circle, under a lit street light about 200 feet away from Steve's car. Mister Djinn and I watched as Jessica entered the car in the back, and Steve bent in to clean out his car. I watched myself and Grace walking and chatting up the sidewalk, I was like "is this real?" It felt like I was watching myself... I saw the car coming up, but it missed me, but didn't miss Grace. She was hit hard, and she was thrown into two cars, and Jessica screamed her head off, as Steve and the past Julie rushed to Grace. Grace's eyes were open, and she made no motion. She waved her hand over Grace's face, and Grace did not respond. I watched stunned, as Julie checked Grace's pulse at neck, and Julie's hand withdrew trembling. She looked at Jessica, and said "I can't feel a pulse." The genie and I watched as Steve called 911, and cops and EMTs came. They put Grace in a body bag. It was all silent, the dark street, empty, when I looked at the djinn, and questioned, "Could I withdraw the wish?" He said, "yes." Fog covered us both, and next thing I knew, I was back on the street but by myself. I looked around, and wondered if it was a dream. I woke up, feeling it's an echo of a truth somewhere within me...

Written by Jules

Snow on the trees.

When I see the trees covered by snow, I get to think, "now that's magic." When people think of magic, they think rabbits out of hats, ribbons out of air, a woman changing into a tiger. Now that's not magic. That is illusion. You'll see that in Las Vegas, Disneyworld, and dusty bars at the corners. Magic is a baby laugh with you, a dog licking you on the cheek, an elderly couple dancing the waltz, trees blooming for the first time, the heartbeat of the world beneath your feet, the breath of the breeze through the oaks, and the moonlight dancing on the leaves. I was exposed to that when I was a teenager. I was this close (first fingerand thumb showing almost no space betwen them) before giving up on life. Everything had been hard on me; verbal, physical, emotional abuse, neglect, you name it, I experienced. I was the invisible one in the family unless they got in the mood to lash out on someone, or if I dared to get in trouble, even if it was a 'C' in grade, or talking back to an teacher. One day, I went to a store to read comic books, to get away from the world, and a cover jumped out. It showed a group of elves suffering, crossing the desert, desperation and resignation on their faces, yet the leader carrying a wounded elf in his arms, had determination on his face despite exhaustion. I felt something stirring in my stomach. I opened that comic book, and more pages I turned, more I felt that spark growing from an ember to a fire. In two weeks, I got Elfquest book two and book three, and let me tell you.. the elves suffered, they fought for their right to exist in the world, they embraced what life threw at them, and to "make lemonade of what they got," and the lemonade was good. I learned that I can choose my battles, that I have the right to live, and that I need to stand up for myself. I started to pick battles with the family, and in the end, a parent and I went to the hospital for severe injuries. But that fight showed them that I wouldnt' take crap from them anymore, and they left me alone. I started to bloom. I learned to laugh. I started to develop an identity, and I will tell you one thing- I started to see magic in everything. Nature is beautiful, and people can be beautiful, as long as they do not have intentions to harm. It's a miracle for a woman to grow pregnant, and for a man to build a treehouse in the oak tree. Magic between friends while they talk over coffee. Magic when a person hold out a hand for help and for someone else to take that hand to give help without asking for a price. From my experiences, I learned that hardship might be necessary to make you resilient, but it is not necessary to be hard or cruel. Magic is when you choose to discard your upbringing and stop the cycle of violence, by starting to help people to cut their own cycles of violence and starting with yourself.

Dream of Magic

I have found this writing I had done in 1993, and I feel that it is still true..
"Have you ever felt thousands of sensations tearing through you like ice, images running through shards of your mind, and thoughts skipping like a rock skipping on a lake, upon your spirit? I feel as if I am not here. What folks understand of the world they reside in, I feel as a stranger. I can see strongly within powerful music swirling in the air, leaves ripping with the breeze, and children running through the stream. I could sense the determination, the bloodlust, anger, spirit battle, the self survival first, yet there is the other dish offered, of submission,security, conqured of the body and soul. I find both dishes tempting, yet I know that I can only take one dish. Ironic enough, I'm not hungry for either... It's harder to stay netural, when falling for either side is more easier; I know someday I will have to make a choice.
I never had felt a connection to the world; it is like an awareness that I don't belong here. Even at college ten years ago, I felt like a disguised alien among humans, perhaps a changeling left behind by faeries. I always have found myself attracted to myth of faery, especially the era of Tuatha de Dannans. They had suffered under Firbolgs, but in the end, they won the country of Ireland. Humans had conquered the country after Tuatha de Dannans, and the question is.. where are the Sidhe? I like to think that they are still around, but not for us to see them. They keep themselves aloof, to stay in their boundaries of what they understand and let us fall over our own feet, making mistakes that harm the world. It is much as seeing an line of ants, and know they are working together, in their own world, yet when a human foot steps on some of them, it's much a bomb hitting some of them. They continue despite that.. that's the Sidhe as well. They are in their own world, and do not flick an eyelash if a human intervene himself into their world either accidently or intentionally. Back to what I have felt, I have always felt a part of me have been missing for years, and it is already gone, claimed by the magic out there. I would do anything to return to what I belong, of where I feel comfortable in. This reality has no room for the likes of me. You know, there is a good friend, Curtis, who had greatly puzzled me. He seemed to know of what I go through, yet he is of the reality and in his own reality that does not make sense in the flow of life that Earth offers. He is not egoistic, but he does seem to think that the world goes around him, and that if something happens, he feels comfortable seeing it as an influence on him, even if it's a thousand miles away or five feet away. He would fantasize "what if's", yet he never attempted to accept the reality as it is. That's interesting because I'm more comfortable in the reality, yet feeling alienated from it, compared to him; he changes the reality to his own conformation, and intepreted any unwanted situation or chaos, either unexpected or expected, as an attack upon him alone. Makes you wonder who is more sane here.
Of the reality, I can see layers (dimensions) of different "realities" out there; I call them the Unspoken lands- you would never see anyone talking about them, but would have the courage to demonstrate in books, graphic novels, or music, but to accept their presence, never. Most see it as just a dream, either pleasant or horrible, to wake up from. It can be either good or evil, or even both at same time. It is the dark forest, the sunshine peering through leaves of the tall trees above, trying to expose the dark bushes that you can see the steady and deep eyes looking out at you from the security of the bushes. The whispers on the wind, taunting of dangers of secrets, it is where I feel more at home despite the fact is that it is on the edge of darkness, the danger itself. I always could see the antlered man, the dark deeper than shadows eyes, the naked faeries, the gentle redhead woman with answers in her eyes if you have the courage to ask. They would welcome me into their dimension, but I, for reasons unknown to me, cannot. There is something on Earth, that is holding me, chaining me, denying me freedom to choose. All I can do at this time, is to hold my aching heart and making a promise that I will come one day. One day I will stop dying, and that's when I will enter the darkness of the forest."