Dream of Magic

I have found this writing I had done in 1993, and I feel that it is still true..
"Have you ever felt thousands of sensations tearing through you like ice, images running through shards of your mind, and thoughts skipping like a rock skipping on a lake, upon your spirit? I feel as if I am not here. What folks understand of the world they reside in, I feel as a stranger. I can see strongly within powerful music swirling in the air, leaves ripping with the breeze, and children running through the stream. I could sense the determination, the bloodlust, anger, spirit battle, the self survival first, yet there is the other dish offered, of submission,security, conqured of the body and soul. I find both dishes tempting, yet I know that I can only take one dish. Ironic enough, I'm not hungry for either... It's harder to stay netural, when falling for either side is more easier; I know someday I will have to make a choice.
I never had felt a connection to the world; it is like an awareness that I don't belong here. Even at college ten years ago, I felt like a disguised alien among humans, perhaps a changeling left behind by faeries. I always have found myself attracted to myth of faery, especially the era of Tuatha de Dannans. They had suffered under Firbolgs, but in the end, they won the country of Ireland. Humans had conquered the country after Tuatha de Dannans, and the question is.. where are the Sidhe? I like to think that they are still around, but not for us to see them. They keep themselves aloof, to stay in their boundaries of what they understand and let us fall over our own feet, making mistakes that harm the world. It is much as seeing an line of ants, and know they are working together, in their own world, yet when a human foot steps on some of them, it's much a bomb hitting some of them. They continue despite that.. that's the Sidhe as well. They are in their own world, and do not flick an eyelash if a human intervene himself into their world either accidently or intentionally. Back to what I have felt, I have always felt a part of me have been missing for years, and it is already gone, claimed by the magic out there. I would do anything to return to what I belong, of where I feel comfortable in. This reality has no room for the likes of me. You know, there is a good friend, Curtis, who had greatly puzzled me. He seemed to know of what I go through, yet he is of the reality and in his own reality that does not make sense in the flow of life that Earth offers. He is not egoistic, but he does seem to think that the world goes around him, and that if something happens, he feels comfortable seeing it as an influence on him, even if it's a thousand miles away or five feet away. He would fantasize "what if's", yet he never attempted to accept the reality as it is. That's interesting because I'm more comfortable in the reality, yet feeling alienated from it, compared to him; he changes the reality to his own conformation, and intepreted any unwanted situation or chaos, either unexpected or expected, as an attack upon him alone. Makes you wonder who is more sane here.
Of the reality, I can see layers (dimensions) of different "realities" out there; I call them the Unspoken lands- you would never see anyone talking about them, but would have the courage to demonstrate in books, graphic novels, or music, but to accept their presence, never. Most see it as just a dream, either pleasant or horrible, to wake up from. It can be either good or evil, or even both at same time. It is the dark forest, the sunshine peering through leaves of the tall trees above, trying to expose the dark bushes that you can see the steady and deep eyes looking out at you from the security of the bushes. The whispers on the wind, taunting of dangers of secrets, it is where I feel more at home despite the fact is that it is on the edge of darkness, the danger itself. I always could see the antlered man, the dark deeper than shadows eyes, the naked faeries, the gentle redhead woman with answers in her eyes if you have the courage to ask. They would welcome me into their dimension, but I, for reasons unknown to me, cannot. There is something on Earth, that is holding me, chaining me, denying me freedom to choose. All I can do at this time, is to hold my aching heart and making a promise that I will come one day. One day I will stop dying, and that's when I will enter the darkness of the forest."