Snow on the trees.

When I see the trees covered by snow, I get to think, "now that's magic." When people think of magic, they think rabbits out of hats, ribbons out of air, a woman changing into a tiger. Now that's not magic. That is illusion. You'll see that in Las Vegas, Disneyworld, and dusty bars at the corners. Magic is a baby laugh with you, a dog licking you on the cheek, an elderly couple dancing the waltz, trees blooming for the first time, the heartbeat of the world beneath your feet, the breath of the breeze through the oaks, and the moonlight dancing on the leaves. I was exposed to that when I was a teenager. I was this close (first fingerand thumb showing almost no space betwen them) before giving up on life. Everything had been hard on me; verbal, physical, emotional abuse, neglect, you name it, I experienced. I was the invisible one in the family unless they got in the mood to lash out on someone, or if I dared to get in trouble, even if it was a 'C' in grade, or talking back to an teacher. One day, I went to a store to read comic books, to get away from the world, and a cover jumped out. It showed a group of elves suffering, crossing the desert, desperation and resignation on their faces, yet the leader carrying a wounded elf in his arms, had determination on his face despite exhaustion. I felt something stirring in my stomach. I opened that comic book, and more pages I turned, more I felt that spark growing from an ember to a fire. In two weeks, I got Elfquest book two and book three, and let me tell you.. the elves suffered, they fought for their right to exist in the world, they embraced what life threw at them, and to "make lemonade of what they got," and the lemonade was good. I learned that I can choose my battles, that I have the right to live, and that I need to stand up for myself. I started to pick battles with the family, and in the end, a parent and I went to the hospital for severe injuries. But that fight showed them that I wouldnt' take crap from them anymore, and they left me alone. I started to bloom. I learned to laugh. I started to develop an identity, and I will tell you one thing- I started to see magic in everything. Nature is beautiful, and people can be beautiful, as long as they do not have intentions to harm. It's a miracle for a woman to grow pregnant, and for a man to build a treehouse in the oak tree. Magic between friends while they talk over coffee. Magic when a person hold out a hand for help and for someone else to take that hand to give help without asking for a price. From my experiences, I learned that hardship might be necessary to make you resilient, but it is not necessary to be hard or cruel. Magic is when you choose to discard your upbringing and stop the cycle of violence, by starting to help people to cut their own cycles of violence and starting with yourself.

Drastic differences between Colorado and Maryland

When it comes to human services, vocational rehabilitation, and social worker working with deaf and hard-of-hearing individuals, there is a very wide abyss between the folks seeking help and the agencies in Colorado. I had observed clients being able to attend night classes for developing independent skills and skills toward working in Maryland. I had been able to help find resources for the deaf clients as many agencies were able to assist them, in cases of finding a job, finding housing, getting finance aid for school, preparing them for working, having counseling, improving family values, and helping them develop self esteem in themselves in Maryland as many helping professionals had. If any problem there may be in Maryland agencies, that would be not sufficient beds for clients who need a place to live once they are ready to leave the hospital for the real world, but at least they have five agencies compared to other states. NOW... If it is Colorado. This S-U-C-K-S. I had gone to a VR state plan meeting tonight, and a lot of deaf folks were there to complain about their treatment from VR counselors, for one.. "They won't get an interpreter, so the VR and I couldn't' talk with each other." "VR discouraged me from my goal of working as a chef for a good restaurant; and told me to find a job at McDonald's. He didn't care that I had gone to college for culinary training!" "I asked for help with finding a job, and the VR assured me that he would call me in two weeks. I waited a month, two months, six months, he never called me back!" "I felt like a child led by hand when the VR counselor would do all this paperwork and just tell me to sign this, and that, but never explain what the paperwork was for." "VR never tells me what services they can do for me, and I always find from other deaf of what VR had done for them, and I felt I was disrespected by the VR counselor." Darlings.... It's not VR counselors only. I have also heard from deaf community around Denver, Aurora, Colorado Springs, and Littleton, that doctors resist getting an interpreter for appointments, insisting on writing for communication; there are no programs for deaf to attend night classes for English as second-language, independent skills, or skills for a goal of getting a job, and heck, I hadn't EVEN encountered in six months here in Colorado, a real-to-life counselor that could say that he/she is working in a residential house working with deaf individuals with either developmental disorders, or mental illnesses; what are the chances that there are even deaf individuals with either disabilities or illnesses getting assistance and not getting them??!! Several folks that are involved in human services, legal aid, commission for deaf, or so had admitted to me (person to person), that Colorado is very poor in meeting deaf people's needs when it comes to human services, VR, or SS. Gods know that a friend had cried on my shoulder when she told me that her own social worker refused to get an interpreter for every time they had an appointment, thus there were several miscommunication. I feel very outraged, no... ANGRY.. For the people here. Where is the respect? Where is the communication that was claimed for everyone who seeks help? They say ADA would help, but Colorado is a backward state. Gods know that at a job I had, I had seen co-workers making fun of a co-worker with CP, and a deaf co-worker. I had seen the supervisor yelling at the deaf co-worker of how he was tired of explaining to her and tired of her taking out notebook and a pen for commnication, despite that the poor employee had no idea what he was yelling about! I was so furious. I encouraged her to report to the supervisor's supervisor, with encouragement from me, and he assured her that he will find out what was going on. Guess what? In an half hour later, the supervisor told the co-worker that he wanted to talk with her, and she was very frightened. He told her that she misunderstood his behavior and that she should not make assumations! I couldn't believe it! With a bad taste in my mouth, I quit that job. Colorado may be beautiful in nature, fun in activities, but when it comes to deaf, man... way, way, way below discrimination! You know that in Maryland, one can find a job within three-six months, but in Colorado, it'd take even FIVE years for a deaf person to find a job! One had said he hadn't success finding a job for sixteen years. Sixteen years! How ridiculous can that be??!! I'm afraid to see what will happen in two years once I complete my degree in Human Services here in Colorado. They say "it will get better," I don't think so. I hadn't seen much of improvement in twenty years from SS, VR or Human services when it come to services for deaf people. And you all complain about being mistreated by people around you, "I can't find a job that I like" "I would rather find a good apartment." "I can see my doctor tomorrow, no problem." Now, look at deaf people here in Colorado, and possibly other western states of how much they have experienced and they still fight for their rights, and how would you think they feel, seeing other folks getting jobs, being successful, getting assistance from either state or federal services, *finger snaps* that fast? I would say fucking three words to you.... "You..cannot imagine."

One of many peeves I have.

One thing I can say.. It drives me up the walls when folks say they would visit, check with you of the time, and if they would bring anything, and then, guess what? They don't show up. Now, before you assume that "oh, that means she is a boring person," you're into the left field. From what friends would tell me, and admit to me, that often they would make plans with friends (like me), and then they suddenly feel "ugh,I don't feel like going." "I feel bloated." "I don't want to get out of my warm bed into a car to drive to see someone." "I can see her next time." "Oh, my TV show is on tonight." "Beh, it's too cold to get out of the house." "I don't have money." "I didn't realize how late it was, I forgot that I was going to see you"(despite they checked with me an half hour ago) I would remind them, "hey, I know how hard it is for you to do ......(you name it), but that is how friendships work. Take and give." How often I remember how some folks would scream and ask for help, and I'd go help them. If they had a party, I would come over. Folks would come for my New Year Eve party, and really had a blast that they would ask me three months ahead, if I would have another party. The folks would perk up if I tell them, I'm cooking Spicy chicken with fruit sauce, Hawaiian tenderloin with fruit salsa, Meanest Vegetarian chili, whatever I cook, and they'd go "Great! What time can I come over?" inviting themselves before I'd invite them.... All I can explain of their behavior is.... Some are callous. Love 'em, but sometimes they have no common sense, or courtesy, or any idea of how a friendship works. At least, I can say in -my- case, I never had skipped a visit with them. They can't say the same for me.

Sunday it is, and a new week comes.

I may be old-fashioned, (I can hear my friends snort as they read this) but I do believe that if we ALL have manners, the world would be much better for it. Instead of triggering road rage, one would let it go if someone cut into their lane. Gods know that if a person -lets- someone take a space front of him on the road, that one would feel good to continue that behavior to be more polite and let other folks go ahead of him, instead of hugging the bumper, and causing the ripple of "excuse-me! I had waited for a car to let me get on. I had waited, watching 20 cars going by me, not letting me get onto the road!" OH, now since I'm talking about cars, I'll tell you something... Compared to Colorado, Maryland drivers are certainly MORE sane and safer! In all six years, I never had been in an accident, or experienced near-accidents in that state. I have moved to Colorado, and in the first six months, I had four near-accidents, such as a guy that still continued running through the red light EVEN after it had been a red light for a bit! I was driving on the green light, and I saw my life flying through my eyes as I saw two lights glaring bigger, and bigger at me. Finally he stopped right front of my right side, as he nicked my side mirror, and know what he did? He FLIPPED the bird at me! As if -I- was the one who run the red light, when it was him. Stupid, no? And it amuses me that B.W. considers me the crazy lead-foot driver of the family when she had her own driver license revoked, her car collecting dust in the garage; several relatives in family had gotten in car accidents, you name it, they probably had experienced it in driving- while in all the years I had driven, I hadn't been in a car accident, nor getting a ticket for speeding or illegal moves, or to get busted by police. (knocking on wood) I'll confess that I had several parking tickets for not picking up my car once the time expired. Nah,I'm not perfect.

Dream of Magic

I have found this writing I had done in 1993, and I feel that it is still true..
"Have you ever felt thousands of sensations tearing through you like ice, images running through shards of your mind, and thoughts skipping like a rock skipping on a lake, upon your spirit? I feel as if I am not here. What folks understand of the world they reside in, I feel as a stranger. I can see strongly within powerful music swirling in the air, leaves ripping with the breeze, and children running through the stream. I could sense the determination, the bloodlust, anger, spirit battle, the self survival first, yet there is the other dish offered, of submission,security, conqured of the body and soul. I find both dishes tempting, yet I know that I can only take one dish. Ironic enough, I'm not hungry for either... It's harder to stay netural, when falling for either side is more easier; I know someday I will have to make a choice.
I never had felt a connection to the world; it is like an awareness that I don't belong here. Even at college ten years ago, I felt like a disguised alien among humans, perhaps a changeling left behind by faeries. I always have found myself attracted to myth of faery, especially the era of Tuatha de Dannans. They had suffered under Firbolgs, but in the end, they won the country of Ireland. Humans had conquered the country after Tuatha de Dannans, and the question is.. where are the Sidhe? I like to think that they are still around, but not for us to see them. They keep themselves aloof, to stay in their boundaries of what they understand and let us fall over our own feet, making mistakes that harm the world. It is much as seeing an line of ants, and know they are working together, in their own world, yet when a human foot steps on some of them, it's much a bomb hitting some of them. They continue despite that.. that's the Sidhe as well. They are in their own world, and do not flick an eyelash if a human intervene himself into their world either accidently or intentionally. Back to what I have felt, I have always felt a part of me have been missing for years, and it is already gone, claimed by the magic out there. I would do anything to return to what I belong, of where I feel comfortable in. This reality has no room for the likes of me. You know, there is a good friend, Curtis, who had greatly puzzled me. He seemed to know of what I go through, yet he is of the reality and in his own reality that does not make sense in the flow of life that Earth offers. He is not egoistic, but he does seem to think that the world goes around him, and that if something happens, he feels comfortable seeing it as an influence on him, even if it's a thousand miles away or five feet away. He would fantasize "what if's", yet he never attempted to accept the reality as it is. That's interesting because I'm more comfortable in the reality, yet feeling alienated from it, compared to him; he changes the reality to his own conformation, and intepreted any unwanted situation or chaos, either unexpected or expected, as an attack upon him alone. Makes you wonder who is more sane here.
Of the reality, I can see layers (dimensions) of different "realities" out there; I call them the Unspoken lands- you would never see anyone talking about them, but would have the courage to demonstrate in books, graphic novels, or music, but to accept their presence, never. Most see it as just a dream, either pleasant or horrible, to wake up from. It can be either good or evil, or even both at same time. It is the dark forest, the sunshine peering through leaves of the tall trees above, trying to expose the dark bushes that you can see the steady and deep eyes looking out at you from the security of the bushes. The whispers on the wind, taunting of dangers of secrets, it is where I feel more at home despite the fact is that it is on the edge of darkness, the danger itself. I always could see the antlered man, the dark deeper than shadows eyes, the naked faeries, the gentle redhead woman with answers in her eyes if you have the courage to ask. They would welcome me into their dimension, but I, for reasons unknown to me, cannot. There is something on Earth, that is holding me, chaining me, denying me freedom to choose. All I can do at this time, is to hold my aching heart and making a promise that I will come one day. One day I will stop dying, and that's when I will enter the darkness of the forest."

First writing

When I look at the monitor, I'm drawing a blank. It's like chaos in my mind, vying to be the first in the line to speak out. A part of me is afraid of speaking out, due to living with someone that cannot comprehend that I am not a clone of her, and that she fights to get me to follow what she wants me to go. Another part of me is eager to yell, "I'm free! I'm free to speak, I'm free to practice my beliefs!" A third part of me is sitting back, quietly, pondering if this will cause ripples to go through my life for what may happen, good or bad, and if I have the courage to continue. At least, this way of communication will be good for me to think, search for who I am supposed to be, knowing who I am at this time from the past to the present, and wondering who I will be in the future. Well, I have two years to go before I can see the end of this path of studying at the university, and see the finality of what may come up of completing the required classes and adding to my years of experience working with deaf people with disabilities and/or mental illnesses. One thing, I can tell you, of learning one thing from the jobs I had, whatever I may experience is nothing compared to what the deaf individuals with multi-disabilities or mental illnesses experience daily, and that keeps me humble and to appreciate what I can in my life (except for living with this....I'll give her a name, B.W. for now). I do look forward to when I earn enough money to move into my own apartment and get privacy I deserve to practice my beliefs, perform anything I wish to do without looking over my shoulder, and to enjoy friends without sheltering them from her hosility. One thing I promised myself, once I'm free of her presence, I will put up a candle and give thanks to Goddess for keeping me sane, that is if it's not too late.