Last, I promise you, now you’re married... Congratulations! You think your relationship work is all done, now that you both are stuck with each other? Think again! That’s when the challenge comes in! You need to maintain the relationship, learn how to make compromises (yes, if that means he wants two or three framed pictures of the ship Queen Mary, you ought to let that be- better that two or three pictures than 300 framed pictures he has already in his collection!), practice communication skills, especially with “I-statements”, “I feel what I see” statements, and avoid presumptions and guilt statements (“I know you eyed the pretty woman!” and “If you do love me, you would have done this for me.”
Manipulation and taking charge of the relationship is a sure-shoot for failure. To control finances, to raise a fist, or to threaten is domestic violence, no matter how you may avoid saying it…and yes, even women are not the only victims here- I have a good guy friend, who married a woman he thought he was in love with. She was sweet and thoughtful ‘til after the wedding. And then, she went Mrs. Hyde. She controlled the money- she criticized and belittled him daily, she’d shove and hit him and dare him “Hit me and I’ll call cops on you, they won’t believe you, six-feet tall and muscular against me, sweet and little!” Many times I had seen her slap and throw things at him, enough to leave bruises and he won’t even lift a finger to harm her. I did ask him why not, I could understand if he wanted to tell her to stop it as in restraining her, he said “Who would believe me? They’d laugh at the idea of me a man stuck in domestic violence.” After some years, he finally left her, but with emotional scars within him, especially with the judge giving the full custody of their children to the mother.
Trust me, when you want it all your way; you’re being insecure, childish, and immature, and…that’s what I’m telling you…. The spouses have the right to be themselves; they have the right to their own money, their own friends, access to internet and information, and to be equal partners in the relationship. Otherwise, you’ll be miserable in an unhappy marriage, either thinking one day, he will change- (why for? He already has you, so why should he change?) or I deserve what happens to me- (That’s not true, it is not your fault that she manipulates or hurt you- that’s WHO she is, you do not deserve the treatment!)
The undisputable failures for marriage are: quick marriages without getting to know each other; presumption that an expensive wedding ensures a successful wedding more appropriately for the spotlight, no the relationship; unrealistic expectations for the marriage, especially with children and long-term goals; lies and secrets; and control of the relationship- just make sure that you have a number of a divorce lawyer in your wallet/purse.
Marriages that live long: be confident in your own relationship and determine if marriage is a gift for you, instead of a ‘lifesaver’; knowing that the wedding is only a temporary ‘bump’ in your relationship and you’re marrying each other and that’s the important part; compromise, compromise and compromise, and having a good communication trade of talking and listening won’t hurt; if you feel that there are lies that would backfire on you, be honest and talk it out; the other needs to hear and make a decision to take a risk on you and the relationship- the relationship will improve from there if s/he chooses to stay; respect and valuing the identity/personality separate from you is a must, it is the individual in each that makes the relationship bloom.
Now I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m still single- I hadn’t yet found someone who have met all that I’m hoping for, but I’m not worried. One day, he’ll be there and I’ll be saying ‘Oh, you have been here all along.’
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