Characteristics of a Successful marriage from an Hippie Deaf Woman. Part 1

I had thought long about writing on healthy marriage. Now with four friends who are getting married this year, I thought I’d write them and brides in general, advice that I hope, will be heeded especially in contributions to their marriage’s success. It’s for y’all, lil’ gals!

*Note: It is long so I’m going to break it up into three pieces.


The characteristics of a successful marriage

Now, I hadn’t been married, *gasp! How dare she to make presumptions on how marriages can be successful? * Now, before you go and switch to the WoW link, I dare you to read on and determine if you have the courage…. Or not to preserve your marriage and sanity.


First point:
You’re dating your boyfriend for three months then… *gasp*…you had run out of conversation! That’s when one quickly offers, “Let’s get married!” Now that’s a BAD idea… trust me on that. I can count off all of my fingers and toes and some, on how many weddings had started that way and…ended up in divorces, except for one- that’s the exception. they manage to keep the marriage going on by having the marriage open (If you don’t know what that means, I’m not going to volunteer that information.)

This idea goes the same for having children- now don’t presume I hate children- I do love them….but I find it disturbing when the couple are sitting there figuring out the table placements for the wedding guests, with the wedding coming up in a month (the bride, really, the groom wouldn’t care much in general- he’s fine with the deaf brother sitting next to a teenager who lives for guttural Goth music), and she then realizes, “what could we talk about after the wedding??!” and the groom picks up on the tension…. and the words come out, “We should have a baby right away.”

Now if the couple had been together for more than a year; their relationship secure and stable, high confidence in each other, valuing each other’s personal space when needed, and having the capability to make long-term plans, then they can go ahead and talk about babies!

It’s those couples who are planning a wedding because their older sister is getting wedded. Maybe it is that they don’t want to be left behind when everyone else are getting married. Suddenly, they are running out of conversation, and to include children…that’s a red flag.

I cannot tell you how often I work with children who are unhappy in the family because the parents didn’t get to know each other, and they started to loathe the other. In a hasty decision to “save” the marriage, children were born which, I guarantee, leaves the children to deal with life-long therapy! The point would be: get to know each other, learn flaws and quirks; adapt to each other’s routines and behavior (even his tendency to read Sundays newspaper from front page to sports on the toilet), and be willing to acknowledge if the relationship won’t work out.

There’s no shame in ending the relationship BEFORE considering marriage- only to get married to ‘save’ the relationship is not the solution, period. If you insist on wanting to get married because your mother wants you to get married before you hit the 30’s, then it is necessary to have couple therapy/martial therapy and learn how to ensure that the relationship will be maintained well through 30-50 years, instead of 6 months to 20 years (standard these days).

Second Point:
Don’t compare your wedding to others’ weddings. Your wedding is yours alone, and I don’t give a shit whether you spent 40,000 or 1,000 dollars on it…it’s still YOURS. The wedding is when you and your husband’s personality will be shining out there.

I’ll tell you what stands out the most in my mind. I remember the ceremony at the waterfall, monarch butterflies released at the end of the ceremony, the colorful sunflowers and wheat centerpieces, among the Native American museum antiques, and the bride’s crown of sunflowers and her simple dress that she made from a 1940’s pattern, than so many brides’ weddings that seem to be all alike-- fancy churches, stiff fancy flowers, bows behind chairs, silver/gray gifts, formal bridesmaid gowns, and whatever food they have. I had gone to about :::counting::::: 37 weddings. And I’ll tell you…I only remember two out of 37 weddings I’ve attended.
Why did I only remember 2 out of 37 weddings? The weddings were very simple; the bride and husband’s personalities STOOD OUT among the decorations, the food and the joy among themselves, the unique quirks in the wedding such as mead, the broom wrapped in flowers and feathers, the husband bending his knee and asking his bride for her permission to be her knight… How could one NOT forget all that?

Now, before you presume I’m criticizing your wedding, perhaps I AM….in a way, if your wedding is similar to other weddings. Oh- everyone have the same colors, the same gown, the same marching music, the same songs, the same food, the same dances--perhaps it WILL be forgotten, but all this will stand in your and your future husband’s memory. Maybe you’ll remember every single detail of your wedding... then more power to you. But your guests won’t remember.

That’s a fact. Unfortunately, I had talked to many friends who had gone to weddings AND the friends who had gotten wedded; either regretting or fondly recalling….and they’ll say… they can’t remember the cake’s flavor, what was so funny at the ceremony, what’s so cute about the flower girl.

So you have to dare yourself and FIND something unique! Don’t go for ice sculptures, don’t go for 6-tier cakes, and don’t go for pink-black bridesmaid gowns… (I can’t tell you how often I had seen that!) do something UNIQUE. Keep this in mind….when you scoff at another bride’s ideas for her bohemian wedding, her simple dress, her idea of having a 1940’s trolley bus for transportation, homemade cupcakes of red velvet and carrot cake with frosting in sunflower shape, or having belly-dancers at her wedding…all that will be a guarantee that the guests will remember her $1,000 wedding instead of your $35,000 wedding consisting of ice decorations, matching bridesmaid gowns, the ceiling-tall flower centerpieces, and the white glittery cake with the chocolate flavor. And to add, to expect the groom to remember the first dance song, don’t carry a grudge that he doesn’t! The wedding does not shape the marriage; it is the relationship that shapes the marriage. Yes, the wedding planning can be a challenge to the relationship, but that’s a good way to test whether the relationship can handle the roller coaster of the temporary obstacle of the wedding!