Another flashback

Today, reading about the demonstration at AGB convention, the comments left in several blogs, I had another flashback. *again?* Not this time about deaf children. It was about two deaf adults I know personally. One friend and one relative. Both ‘hard of hearing’ (they said so) with hearing aids and CI. Names had been changed to protect their identities, so I respect their privacy.

I would LOVE to get to know my second cousin, Christine- I do. But sometimes I wonder if family relatives have manipulated her against me, in fear of any “potential bad influence from me due to being “DEAF.” You see, she fell ill as a very young child and became deaf. I didn’t even know about her until I met her at a family reunion. I was then seventeen and she was eleven. Even at that meeting, once we met in person, there were adults hovering around and once I would raise my hands to sign, they would either herd Christine away or tell me “TALK with your voice! Not your hands!” I did notice that she was very curious about my signing but we never got a chance to communicate together without anyone interfering.
Next time we got together, it was this May. I was invited to her bridal shower. I was even surprised that she would remember me. I think it was because I was in California at that time and I was visiting my aunt who was also her aunt, so to invite her without me would be a RUDE move. So….. I was invited. I went, and I then noticed that she had a CI. She speaks but how good, I don’t know. I did notice she didn’t speak much as her mother and fiancé. This time I didn’t sign because I didn’t want to make a scene. I was afraid that if I start to sign and anyone slaps or shoves on my hands, I WOULD make a scene, so I kept mute. When we finally hugged each other, I was surprised when she signed rusty, “Good to see you!” Her mother actually looked like she just ate something bad! Before the end of the bridal shower, Christine slipped a paper note into my hands. After I got into the car, I looked and it was an email address and note, “Please email me! I want to know you. I would like to know about what it is like to be deaf.”

At this time, I hadn’t yet emailed her. I honestly don’t know what to say. How can one describe being deaf in printed WORDS? How can one explain what it’s like to be deaf? There are so many different perceptions and my perception is only one. Sure I could refer her to vlogs but from that rusty signing, I would suspect she wouldn’t catch even 30% of what someone signs. There is very few blogs out that that *really* describes being deaf, if you get my meaning. I could suggest some books, but if her mother and fiancé had those looks, I wouldn’t want her to get in trouble as well. I DON’T want to be furthermore alienated from family as I am already because I refuse to speak or hear.

About 10-15 years ago, I was living in New Jersey. A friend of mine and I were invited to an annual award ceremony for another deaf friend and so we agreed to go. “Bobby” and I went to this old school, and everyone was speaking. I was experiencing unease because I thought I saw a poster welcoming visitors to NJ AGB meeting. I went “Alexander Graham Bell organization?” and I found myself curious. I had heard a lot about AGBAD but never had attended any kind of meetings or truly interacted with people that are involved in AGB. I found that most of the folks attending the award meeting that day were mostly parents and their children in ages of kindergarten to post-college.

My friend, Wayne was to receive an award for being successful, having a B.A degree and accomplishing a job as a manager in business. Bobby told me before we got into the building “don’t sign- they aren’t comfortable with anyone signing.” I shot back, “how then do I talk?’ How do I communicate?” with a disgusted look. Okay, I CAN speak and lip-read, but not that great. In other words, I could speak and lip-read great among my family but with the public, forget it. I can understand “How are you?” “Can I help you?” “Need gas?” common comments out there. Bobby gave me this pleading look and so I said “okay, I’ll just keep quiet. It’s Wayne’s day.”

After the award ceremony, I had a bitter taste in my mouth. Why? I felt it was all smoke and mirrors. It was very much “SEE! PROOF THAT DEAF ADULTS CAN SPEAK AND HEAR LIKE US!” Never mind that there was only ONE deaf adult at that award ceremony. There were many children there at the meeting, and I was thinking “when they get to his age, how many will be at the award ceremony to show that “deaf children can become hearing”? Maybe one or two. I looked at Wayne and I felt both pride and sympathy for him. Why pride? Despite all this obstacles thrown into his way (speech therapy, learning to identify sounds, fighting to be like hearing to please society, he managed to get a BA degree in business.) Sympathy because he was very alone. He didn’t have many friends. He was basically a loner, not knowing where he belongs. When he signs, he always has this uneasy look as if someone’s jump out of the closest and go “AH! YOU SIGN! NO! NO! THAT’S WRONG! BAD BOY” When he speaks, he looks uneasy as well, unsure if he was speaking clearly or not. So you can see.. I feel proud and sorry for him. I remember when he was invited to Six Flag for Deaf Awareness Day, he accepted with delight. You could see his face lighting up. However when we got there, he would feel awkward, not knowing what to do. He stayed close to me and Bobby while watching other deaf groups chatting. I could see envy in his eyes; couldn’t anyone see that he would LIKE to be treated equally for who he is, not someone that is expected to be someone else by society?

So, knowing those adults who had been influenced by John Tracy Clinic, AGBAD, speech therapists, “professionals” who claims they know what deaf children need, and the hostile environment around them, I am actually curious about the children with cochlear implants these days now. How many children would be curious about the deaf community but afraid to ask or learn because of the people around them? How many children would become adults being awarded for being “successful” but truly alone?