It is really sucking when one works at a place where other friends work as well, because there is the issue of boundaries and the common sense to know to say no and not feel guilty. I have seen this so many times, friends giving in to other friends because they thought that is how friendships work...and disasters occur.
I have seen several friends with severe burnouts(including me) because we thought we were needed, and to give, give, and give, and not think "wait a minute..where is MY share of rewards?" Friendships had been destroyed just because that person or that person is a taker, taking advantage of the friendship in name of "business."
I gave up 80 hours a week to be there for 'friends' at work for months. I hadn't even a day off without my pager going off from work! Even on my only vacation(the vacation in 3 years!), I was called to help with a client out of control because no one else could. After months and years, one day I had a good bawl. I had a good rant. At friends' suggestions, I went to see the doctor to find out I had burnout..so I got a LOA away from work..(and of course, the business went into chaos without me there...)
Now I see it happening to other people. Sometimes I sit down with them and ask them to stop and smell the flowers, and to learn how to say no without feeling guilty, and to stop giving. One needs to think "OKay what is the benefit for me from doing this for a friend?" Mind you, I'm not saying to be selfish, however folks NEED personal times for themselves..if one is gonna do all the 6 programs, 3 papers, and 1 grant for one friend, what is the benefit for THAT person who is doing all that? NOTHING. All this is to the benefit of the taker, period!
So....for you all who give, give, give and give... STOP! Ask yourself this.."I had done this and that for my friend, what have s/he done for me?" If the answer is nothing, that is your answer..you're nothing to HIM/HER but something to use.
Yes, sometimes one feels "satisifed" in helping people. I'm all for that. However if it takes more than 40 hours of yours, intervene with your social life, your family and even sleep, it is time to look at your priorities and decide if it's really worth giving up everything you are. Sometimes you DO have to be selfish. I speak from experience.
2 comments:
very true. like me, i always give, give, give, give and i get nothing. I use my time and balance. i had to learn how to no when i NEEDED my own personal time. hmm.
Very true. We need to take care of ourselves as we get very drained from giving out so much and it ends up hurting ourselves. Unfortunately, because we are humans and not 'unlimited', we need to protect ourselves from getting burned out. I see that a common syndrome in the helping profession fields.
Mishkazena
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