Why don't you pick on someone your size?

To attack innocent folks by means of transmit in London, while they are going to work or school, that's VERY cowardly! What have those folks done to you, weasels? If you have something to pick on, attack the military or government! It's just SO you, being bullies, picking on little folks 'cause you know you're all yellow spines shaking in your boots when a government looks at you! I'll quote what God said in YOUR book, "God hates you more than you hate yourselves." Since you're willing to kill yourselves, despite Allah said in Koran, not to kill yourself, that means you HATE yourselves. Don't bother.. ALLAH hates you more than you do to yourself. Don't bet on finding 50 virgins and warmth in the heaven- you're going to rot in your coffin waiting forever waiting for the Hand of Justice.

May there be NO Mercy upon your souls, terrorists that attacked London.

For Londoners, They have survived a lot of wars and disasters, including Romans, Saxons, Vikings, the Black Plague, the Nazi Germans(let us not forget the Blitz), and Northern Ireland rebellions, so on... They will go on, strong and courageous. They are natural survivors. I'd not be surprised if they outlive us all.

Good news!!!

The Congress did not pass the law for protecting the rights of the pharmancists to refuse processing Rxs of birth control pills! So the women have the right to the birth control bills!!! ::::throwing a party::::::

What's wrong with the school?

I feel proud of the girl who believed strongly in herself and walked at her graduation. She was banned from going to the graduation just 'cause she is pregnant. That's absolutely wrong. The Roman Catholic high school, St. Jude Educational Institute, told her she was not allowed to go with her class to the graduation despite she had earned the degree. She went on anyway, and I must say, "GOOD for her!" Don't let anything stop her from reaching her goal. Alysha should feel she accomplished what she had reached for. There have been too many girls dropping out of school once they got pregnant. Alysha could drop out, but she didn't. She continued, and for that she should have been allowed to go to the graduation. I feel that the school should butt out of her private life. I do not care if their beliefs look down at unmarried women.. HELL.. it's the Roman Catholic church who discourage usage of condoms! If she got pregnant because of that belief of no condoms, the school is a hyprociate! It's like asking a lion not to eat meat just because it's against the belief to kill, don't you think?

Privacy? Hahaha...

I chuckled when I read this article. Excuse me, but the president has no right to demand privacy, not after the politicans and he insist on invading the public's privacy, including yours and mine. Gay marriage, pharmacists refusing birth control pills to women, patriot law, the goal for a national ID..that's the invasion into our privacy. If you'd butt OUT of our privacy, and do your work for the purpose of improving America, such as abolishing homelessness, improving job economy, providing more funds for education, including anti-drug, sex, (I'm not speaking of absenstience, but sensible condom usage and birth control), drinking; more funds for mental health that would include programs for children suffering by running away, using drugs, abuse(sexual, physical, verbal, and emotional), and for women who run away from abusive husbands. AND to butt out of other countries' business as well! Focus on America to help improve the problems here, and that does not include butting into our own businesses either. Gay marriage is privacy between the couple, and none of the federal or state's business! Neither is birth control pills for women! The national ID isn't so bad when one thinks about it, however if it tells someone that I scratch my butt sometimes, I object!

Unthinkable

When I read about the desecration of the Koran, the Muslim holy book in the Guantanamo Bay, as written in this, I knew there will be a huge uproar in the Muslim countries. Turns out I'm right. I don't blame the Muslims for being pissed off about the disrespect of their holy book. It is not America where we could even burn an american flag or piss on the bible, practicing our right to free speech. To the Muslims, the Book is the voice of Allah, and his prophet Muhammed, and it is unthinkable to do anything of disrespect to the book, period. I support their right to be angry about this situation. I feel that the United States had pushed the Muslim countries too far with this situation. I don't see any solution to this but to send the U.S.interrogators to be beheaded somewhere in the Middle East. That might quiet the rage, or it may not. Even the war in Iraq is ridiculous. We need to leave already. Unbelieveably, Bush is already eyeing Iran. PLEASE. Damn it, LEAVE the fucking Middle East alone! This is not a crusade in that christians would win.

Magic, that's your name.

"Each of us, no matter how cynical or jaded has, at one time or another, had an encounter with magic. I am not talking about when they saw a lady in half or pull a rabbit out of a hat or make a silver pocketwatch disappear. When, after the loss of a lover or partner or friend, the seemingly unstopping pain suddenly fades, that is magic. When, the tenacious roar of a tenor saxophone works its way up from below ground by way of a sidewalk grating and your foot starts tapping, that is magic. When a young woman, for no apparent reason, turns on the street and smiles right at you, that's not only magic, that's as good a reason as any to get out of the bed in the morning. And while it's true that there's no trick to sawing a lady in half-- if all you want to do is saw a lady in half-- we can not only encounter magic, we can be part of it. Each of us has that choice. We can ignore the pain and splendor and suffering and joy of the world around us, OR we can dive right in, getting both shoes muddy and help." That saying was in "Witching Hour" a DC graphic novel. When I saw the saying, I immediately knew the author understood that's the true nature of magic. It is neither wrinkling your nose, nor to float with some friends' fingers under your body, nor waving a wand to conjure something up. It just is. No more, no less.

How stupid is this?

When I read this article, I was so flabbergasted. I was thinking- what is the world coming to? What next would they do? There is a BirthControl bill in Congress in that if it passes, the pharamcists can refuse to give the pills, as long as there is a co-worker who can still give the prescriptions. (Think it this way- if the pharmacist refused, the assistant or co-pharmacist can still give the pills to the woman who needs the prescription.) The excuse of the pharmacist is that many pharmacists consider birth control pills as a way to ABORTION. That is the most stupid thing I have ever seen. The pills are there to help women FROM getting pregnant in first place, so how the hell could it occur anyway? It is also good for controlling acne, controlling hormones, and painful cramps among many women. I have a friend who is so thankful for the birth control pills because without it, she'd bleed for 10 days and have very painful cramps that she couldn't even get out of the house, and get this..she is NOT sexually active. Pharamcaists should keep their opinions SEPERATE from their job- Be professional, damn it! I'm just glad that Congress is working on this bill to protect women's right to birth control. Gods know we have too many children there are...and a lot of children are being abused, neglected, and ignored. More than half of the percentage of the homeless here in Denver is children. Shocking, isn't it?

I hate Mondays.

To be honest with you, That's why I avoid going places Mondays 'cause something HAS to happen that'd be a pain in the ass for me. I had a doctor appt that morning, in which everything was fine. I decided to go to the library to check emails to see if I'm needed at work, or clients need to talk with me...whatever.. You know how computer labs are..all that rows of tables in which computers rest on and students stare blankly at them, chairs back to back at each other leaving barely room for one to walk through to the other side of the wall where the available computer is! HA. At this point, doctors and I are not sure exactly what happened, but I do know that it's possible I saw a student about to move a bit backward- and so I tried to avoid crashing into her, by moving my body side- but my leg disagreed. Next thing I knew, I was screaming like hell, holding my leg still on the floor, throwing daggers at folks from my eyes when they tried to ask me to sit up or let them help me get up. I just knew something was wrong with my leg- it hurted so bad. REALLY BAD that it was no good news. finally EMTS came by and when they tried to move me onto the gauny- I shrieked- even with my deaf ears, i could hear my screams- no matter how they held my leg, it hurted as hell! at each tiny bump, I screamed. They finally put me on IV for painkiller medication, and in which i felt dizzy- but the pain become more dull.but still hurt as hell. To cut it all short- I have a complete fracture at the tiberus and a complete fracture at the fiberus (ankle area) with a partial fracture next to that fracture. Doctor said i had to go under surgery 'cause there's too much damage. So expect the airport security to go off. Ha. A rod, ,screws and a metal pad. So currently I'm at home and on medication. (wonderful medication- let me tell you).... i got a wheelchair, walker, and shower chair. Doctor says 3 months if the body heals good, 6 months if the body heals bad. Blah- looks like i'll miss summer.!

The Most powerful 8 folks in United States.

Folks think that President Bush is the most powerful guy in the United States.. Guess what? He is NOT! The Supreme Court is. They can even turn down laws that any president wanted enacted. Bush wanted to keep the enemy combatants held indefinitely, and Supreme Court said, "no, that's enough. Charge him or let him go." I applaud for that because I view holding anyone in jail for NO reason, is humane cruelty. Do not forget the Geneva Convention!

Now about the commandment case that is being heard today- KEEP CHURCH AND STATE SEPERATE, period! Church has no place in government, and government has no place in the church. What about buddhists? What about muslims? Hindus? Pagans? Jews? The number of those religions are growing, and I think that's the reason why the Church is afearing about. You can jump on my throat, but I speak from the right to free speech. There are an growing rate of immigrants from other countries. The Church feels "squeezed", and I think as I see it, if they could get state and church merged; force the immigrants to change to their own religion. That is hateful, and that's not what God wants for his children. If you bothered to read the bible, he says he loves his children that do not believe in him, importantly that HE believes in them. If folks want their children to learn about the church- TAKE them to church and sunday school! Keep church out of the schools. It's unfair for students of different religions to feel alienated when there are church-sponsored activities in schools. I believe strongly in letting the children learn and let them CHOOSE. Do you know that a lot of children leave the church once they move out of the parents' houses because they felt supressed, and pushed into something they could not understand. If the parents let it go- the children can decide if they want to come back, and surprising, more than half children do go back to church, (although different churches usually, but importantly of same beliefs). Don't put guilt games on the children. That goes for the church- I have seen so many "followers" screaming at pagans, to repent, that God hates them, and that He will forgive them if they come back. Now that is no love and acceptance as God asked, to pagans, and WHO would want to come back to the church that threatens, and express hatred and ignorance? I wouldn't. Wake up and smell the lemonade. Now- back to the commandment case- I pray(Yes- I do pray) that the Supreme Court will decide to keep church and state seperate as it is meant to be by the United State Consitution.

Rainbow

I try and I try again, to understand why folks are afraid of the homosexual culture (both gay and lesbian). I have heard this quote "Folks fear what they do not understand," however that does not explain why they don't fear the computers that they do not understand the technology in first place. People had thought me a lesbian because I have been supportative of the gay culture- I find that cute- really. I had socialized with this wonderful gay couple when I was a child, and they had taken me on the annual AIDS Walk. The mother had never had said anything against the homosexual culture, but either for it as well. I'd say she was neutral, but I knew she was supportive about AIDS research. When I had moved to Maryland, I had the chance to get to know more people from the culture, including singles, couples and family among the gay and lesbian culture. I had seen how warm they are, how welcome they are, and ironic enough, so many are not judgemental as many straight folks are. LOL Radical Faeries are wonderful and sweet guys you could meet, and they'd open their apartments to you if you are in danger. A pagan lesbian family have "adopted" me into their family, and I love them so much, and their children are very happy. So... If folks want to choose to call me a "lesbian" because of the socialization with the gay/lesbian culture- so be it. I like girls and I like guys as well. I had gotten a lot of affection and love from the culture more than I had gotten from my own family- imagine that!! And do not think that my family hates me- they love me a lot, but they do not know what to do with a deaf woman that is liberal, pagan and the "black sheep" of the family. (dry smile) I love them, and they love me, and that's sufficent.

Ecology and Natural Disasters

Mudslides. Floodings. "Natural" disasters. If anyone had studied ecology, they would know that living in plains, valleys with tree-free hills, and locations that had been rivers in past, but now dammed, are asking for disasters to happen. Poputation is too high, the demand for suburbs are increasing. People are seeking to live in the county, away from the city- that's $$$$ in the eyes of the guys selling land, and building houses. Who cares about environment? Screw ecology! Fuck wildlife that have been already living there for centuries. If not for the mice, there would be no snakes, and there would be no eagles, and if eagles die out, whatcha do? Replace it for a wild turkey for the national bird? In other words, one shouldn't cry and complain if he is watching his house floating away in a flood or burning from wildfires. For example, New Orleans was actually a swamp, do you know that? There were a lot of wetlands surrounding New Orleans and it were the wetlands that helped bluff previous hurricanes. I wouldn't be surprised if a hurricane kicks New Orleans' ass due to human beings' sense of being immortal, "godlike" if you will. I just hope that when it happens, it won't be a MAJOR disaster.

Tsunamis and earthquakes, oh my.

This is not news, you understand. There had been earthquakes, tsunamis, floodings, tornadoes, hurricanes, all that this year and past years, and human beings are grieving for what they had lost and ranting, "Why did this happen??" I may be attacked for saying this, but I have to say it... It happened..it's natural... Folks have to take the bad WITH the good with wherever they live or go on vacation. When folks get angry at natural "disasters", I look at them and think, "that's you..you're thinking of yourself, and you consider everything is against you." Me, I had seen a tornado twice, experienced a tornado's destruction and a hurricane, had gone through flooding areas, and many snowstorms, and I'll tell you something.... Destruction is amazing if it's natural, and it's meant to be. Earth isn't here for human beings only, the water currents, air flows, the land movements, it's the world's awareness of itself and to adjust itself to shifts through the galaxy. Remember... Earth is a young planet, and it is still growing. I'll say I admire countries for sending aid and money to the ailing countries that suffered the earthquakes and the tsunamis; but that will always be so.... There will be always natural "disasters," and nothing we can do about that, take that or not. LIVE with it. There's no such as "safe lands," and even Greenland couldn't say it is safe, with that volcano. Japan? hell, with its earthquakes. Africa? AIDS, famine, and locusts. Russia? Maybe Russian Mafia if not freezing to death, I'll guess- hail to vodka! Heck, if anyone could tell me of -one- country that doesn't experience earthquakes, floodings, famine, floodings, tornadoes, hurricanes, heat waves, wildfires, mudslides, volcanos, natural "disasters", and I'll bet you, I'll pack my stuff and move there, and get bored with it all, and move back here. Why? We NEED the natural disasters to wake us up and to be aware that we're not in power. Nature is. Heck, what had happened to the already-endangered animal species on those islands? Won't be surprised if they had died out in this tsunami. If not for tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, floodings, natural disasters, human beings would be already conceited thinking that they are the powerful ones on the world. oh wait.. They are already thinking that way. Silly me....

Cold, a curse on you!

Now how would one get a cold, let me ask you? Especially among family that had no colds, (as they claim.) I ended up with the worst cold I had ever encountered; I actually couldn't lift my arms without straining, or of lifting my legs to make a step forth in an attempt to walk. Never had happened to me before. Very terrifying. My throat was very painful as well that everytime I tried to swallow something, or just gulp, it felt like I was swallowing a ball of nails. Nasty, no?
The visit to Grandpa's coffin the day before the funeral was... emotional. I thought I could stay calm and dry-eyed. I was first of all 8 grandchildren to dash out crying, but I wasn't alone. All but my brother Zach (and I found out later he had already seen the coffin earlier that day) ended up sitting all together on that extra-long sofa and sobbed together. Strange enough, I felt more human this way, I'm involved. For you all folks, that may not make sense, but I'll try. As I grew up, I never had been really "involved" in family events, I was always a wallflower, or someone "outside looking inside the window." At the funeral, there was an interpreter, and... I'll say two words.. she was not good. I still remember that sign she used for the Bible, a fist slamming on the other hand as if stabbing a nail through it then vice verse.. very..morbid... :P But I should not complain..I got an interpreter! = 0
At the lunch after the funeral, I got to learn more about Grandpa, history that I grew up, and I learned something very drastically different between my mother's family and my dad's family. (They are divorced.) It dawned upon me that it's my dad's family is the one that makes all the efforts to get to know me, to make efforts to talk with me (either by emailing, writing forth and back, signing, and speaking (lip-reading), and to touch me, by hugging, patting my hand, kissing me, and (sigh) cheek-pinching. Mother's family, love them, but I'm often than not left in the dark, words thrown back and forth over my head, but for words, "How are you?" "What's up?" "you okay?" "you in school?" and a few comments. There'd be touching, but not -that- kind of hugs that you'd probably get in a family, but as awkward and quick-to-end. I was reminded by someone that I should be glad that I get that. Especially when I think of other families with deaf individuals, and she's right- but I have the right to observe and wish for myself...

It's for you, Grandpa

I know that we hadn't talked much while I was growing up into adulthood. But I remembered your humming while holding me so hard that I could feel my ribs cracking, and your 5'0 clock shadow would rub harshly on my cheek. But I loved those hugs, because that's you. I never had gotten any criticizations, judgements, or anger from him to me as long as I could remember. I know that we couldn't talk much because I couldn't understand, but I felt strongly that our hearts communicated to each other. I had always felt peace and joy within me everytime I saw your smile and that twinkle in your lively eyes. The rumble of your voice while you talked to someone over my head while I was sitting on your lap while I was a child. I rode those tractors with you, and I loved that. I remember your sweat merged with the scent of cut wheat and oil of the tractor, and that is what I will always remember what the scent of love is for me when I think of you. I remember when the cousins and I would try to ride on that grass mower, or the red wagon while you would pull us. We would play Scrabble, cards, or other games on the table by dusk. I remember how you loved that leather armchair while watching your news or sports on the television after working on the farm. I could imagine you holding me everytime I sit on that armchair. I love you, and I already miss you.. Rest in peace.

Snow on the trees.

When I see the trees covered by snow, I get to think, "now that's magic." When people think of magic, they think rabbits out of hats, ribbons out of air, a woman changing into a tiger. Now that's not magic. That is illusion. You'll see that in Las Vegas, Disneyworld, and dusty bars at the corners. Magic is a baby laugh with you, a dog licking you on the cheek, an elderly couple dancing the waltz, trees blooming for the first time, the heartbeat of the world beneath your feet, the breath of the breeze through the oaks, and the moonlight dancing on the leaves. I was exposed to that when I was a teenager. I was this close (first fingerand thumb showing almost no space betwen them) before giving up on life. Everything had been hard on me; verbal, physical, emotional abuse, neglect, you name it, I experienced. I was the invisible one in the family unless they got in the mood to lash out on someone, or if I dared to get in trouble, even if it was a 'C' in grade, or talking back to an teacher. One day, I went to a store to read comic books, to get away from the world, and a cover jumped out. It showed a group of elves suffering, crossing the desert, desperation and resignation on their faces, yet the leader carrying a wounded elf in his arms, had determination on his face despite exhaustion. I felt something stirring in my stomach. I opened that comic book, and more pages I turned, more I felt that spark growing from an ember to a fire. In two weeks, I got Elfquest book two and book three, and let me tell you.. the elves suffered, they fought for their right to exist in the world, they embraced what life threw at them, and to "make lemonade of what they got," and the lemonade was good. I learned that I can choose my battles, that I have the right to live, and that I need to stand up for myself. I started to pick battles with the family, and in the end, a parent and I went to the hospital for severe injuries. But that fight showed them that I wouldnt' take crap from them anymore, and they left me alone. I started to bloom. I learned to laugh. I started to develop an identity, and I will tell you one thing- I started to see magic in everything. Nature is beautiful, and people can be beautiful, as long as they do not have intentions to harm. It's a miracle for a woman to grow pregnant, and for a man to build a treehouse in the oak tree. Magic between friends while they talk over coffee. Magic when a person hold out a hand for help and for someone else to take that hand to give help without asking for a price. From my experiences, I learned that hardship might be necessary to make you resilient, but it is not necessary to be hard or cruel. Magic is when you choose to discard your upbringing and stop the cycle of violence, by starting to help people to cut their own cycles of violence and starting with yourself.

Drastic differences between Colorado and Maryland

When it comes to human services, vocational rehabilitation, and social worker working with deaf and hard-of-hearing individuals, there is a very wide abyss between the folks seeking help and the agencies in Colorado. I had observed clients being able to attend night classes for developing independent skills and skills toward working in Maryland. I had been able to help find resources for the deaf clients as many agencies were able to assist them, in cases of finding a job, finding housing, getting finance aid for school, preparing them for working, having counseling, improving family values, and helping them develop self esteem in themselves in Maryland as many helping professionals had. If any problem there may be in Maryland agencies, that would be not sufficient beds for clients who need a place to live once they are ready to leave the hospital for the real world, but at least they have five agencies compared to other states. NOW... If it is Colorado. This S-U-C-K-S. I had gone to a VR state plan meeting tonight, and a lot of deaf folks were there to complain about their treatment from VR counselors, for one.. "They won't get an interpreter, so the VR and I couldn't' talk with each other." "VR discouraged me from my goal of working as a chef for a good restaurant; and told me to find a job at McDonald's. He didn't care that I had gone to college for culinary training!" "I asked for help with finding a job, and the VR assured me that he would call me in two weeks. I waited a month, two months, six months, he never called me back!" "I felt like a child led by hand when the VR counselor would do all this paperwork and just tell me to sign this, and that, but never explain what the paperwork was for." "VR never tells me what services they can do for me, and I always find from other deaf of what VR had done for them, and I felt I was disrespected by the VR counselor." Darlings.... It's not VR counselors only. I have also heard from deaf community around Denver, Aurora, Colorado Springs, and Littleton, that doctors resist getting an interpreter for appointments, insisting on writing for communication; there are no programs for deaf to attend night classes for English as second-language, independent skills, or skills for a goal of getting a job, and heck, I hadn't EVEN encountered in six months here in Colorado, a real-to-life counselor that could say that he/she is working in a residential house working with deaf individuals with either developmental disorders, or mental illnesses; what are the chances that there are even deaf individuals with either disabilities or illnesses getting assistance and not getting them??!! Several folks that are involved in human services, legal aid, commission for deaf, or so had admitted to me (person to person), that Colorado is very poor in meeting deaf people's needs when it comes to human services, VR, or SS. Gods know that a friend had cried on my shoulder when she told me that her own social worker refused to get an interpreter for every time they had an appointment, thus there were several miscommunication. I feel very outraged, no... ANGRY.. For the people here. Where is the respect? Where is the communication that was claimed for everyone who seeks help? They say ADA would help, but Colorado is a backward state. Gods know that at a job I had, I had seen co-workers making fun of a co-worker with CP, and a deaf co-worker. I had seen the supervisor yelling at the deaf co-worker of how he was tired of explaining to her and tired of her taking out notebook and a pen for commnication, despite that the poor employee had no idea what he was yelling about! I was so furious. I encouraged her to report to the supervisor's supervisor, with encouragement from me, and he assured her that he will find out what was going on. Guess what? In an half hour later, the supervisor told the co-worker that he wanted to talk with her, and she was very frightened. He told her that she misunderstood his behavior and that she should not make assumations! I couldn't believe it! With a bad taste in my mouth, I quit that job. Colorado may be beautiful in nature, fun in activities, but when it comes to deaf, man... way, way, way below discrimination! You know that in Maryland, one can find a job within three-six months, but in Colorado, it'd take even FIVE years for a deaf person to find a job! One had said he hadn't success finding a job for sixteen years. Sixteen years! How ridiculous can that be??!! I'm afraid to see what will happen in two years once I complete my degree in Human Services here in Colorado. They say "it will get better," I don't think so. I hadn't seen much of improvement in twenty years from SS, VR or Human services when it come to services for deaf people. And you all complain about being mistreated by people around you, "I can't find a job that I like" "I would rather find a good apartment." "I can see my doctor tomorrow, no problem." Now, look at deaf people here in Colorado, and possibly other western states of how much they have experienced and they still fight for their rights, and how would you think they feel, seeing other folks getting jobs, being successful, getting assistance from either state or federal services, *finger snaps* that fast? I would say fucking three words to you.... "You..cannot imagine."

One of many peeves I have.

One thing I can say.. It drives me up the walls when folks say they would visit, check with you of the time, and if they would bring anything, and then, guess what? They don't show up. Now, before you assume that "oh, that means she is a boring person," you're into the left field. From what friends would tell me, and admit to me, that often they would make plans with friends (like me), and then they suddenly feel "ugh,I don't feel like going." "I feel bloated." "I don't want to get out of my warm bed into a car to drive to see someone." "I can see her next time." "Oh, my TV show is on tonight." "Beh, it's too cold to get out of the house." "I don't have money." "I didn't realize how late it was, I forgot that I was going to see you"(despite they checked with me an half hour ago) I would remind them, "hey, I know how hard it is for you to do ......(you name it), but that is how friendships work. Take and give." How often I remember how some folks would scream and ask for help, and I'd go help them. If they had a party, I would come over. Folks would come for my New Year Eve party, and really had a blast that they would ask me three months ahead, if I would have another party. The folks would perk up if I tell them, I'm cooking Spicy chicken with fruit sauce, Hawaiian tenderloin with fruit salsa, Meanest Vegetarian chili, whatever I cook, and they'd go "Great! What time can I come over?" inviting themselves before I'd invite them.... All I can explain of their behavior is.... Some are callous. Love 'em, but sometimes they have no common sense, or courtesy, or any idea of how a friendship works. At least, I can say in -my- case, I never had skipped a visit with them. They can't say the same for me.

Sunday it is, and a new week comes.

I may be old-fashioned, (I can hear my friends snort as they read this) but I do believe that if we ALL have manners, the world would be much better for it. Instead of triggering road rage, one would let it go if someone cut into their lane. Gods know that if a person -lets- someone take a space front of him on the road, that one would feel good to continue that behavior to be more polite and let other folks go ahead of him, instead of hugging the bumper, and causing the ripple of "excuse-me! I had waited for a car to let me get on. I had waited, watching 20 cars going by me, not letting me get onto the road!" OH, now since I'm talking about cars, I'll tell you something... Compared to Colorado, Maryland drivers are certainly MORE sane and safer! In all six years, I never had been in an accident, or experienced near-accidents in that state. I have moved to Colorado, and in the first six months, I had four near-accidents, such as a guy that still continued running through the red light EVEN after it had been a red light for a bit! I was driving on the green light, and I saw my life flying through my eyes as I saw two lights glaring bigger, and bigger at me. Finally he stopped right front of my right side, as he nicked my side mirror, and know what he did? He FLIPPED the bird at me! As if -I- was the one who run the red light, when it was him. Stupid, no? And it amuses me that B.W. considers me the crazy lead-foot driver of the family when she had her own driver license revoked, her car collecting dust in the garage; several relatives in family had gotten in car accidents, you name it, they probably had experienced it in driving- while in all the years I had driven, I hadn't been in a car accident, nor getting a ticket for speeding or illegal moves, or to get busted by police. (knocking on wood) I'll confess that I had several parking tickets for not picking up my car once the time expired. Nah,I'm not perfect.

Dream of Magic

I have found this writing I had done in 1993, and I feel that it is still true..
"Have you ever felt thousands of sensations tearing through you like ice, images running through shards of your mind, and thoughts skipping like a rock skipping on a lake, upon your spirit? I feel as if I am not here. What folks understand of the world they reside in, I feel as a stranger. I can see strongly within powerful music swirling in the air, leaves ripping with the breeze, and children running through the stream. I could sense the determination, the bloodlust, anger, spirit battle, the self survival first, yet there is the other dish offered, of submission,security, conqured of the body and soul. I find both dishes tempting, yet I know that I can only take one dish. Ironic enough, I'm not hungry for either... It's harder to stay netural, when falling for either side is more easier; I know someday I will have to make a choice.
I never had felt a connection to the world; it is like an awareness that I don't belong here. Even at college ten years ago, I felt like a disguised alien among humans, perhaps a changeling left behind by faeries. I always have found myself attracted to myth of faery, especially the era of Tuatha de Dannans. They had suffered under Firbolgs, but in the end, they won the country of Ireland. Humans had conquered the country after Tuatha de Dannans, and the question is.. where are the Sidhe? I like to think that they are still around, but not for us to see them. They keep themselves aloof, to stay in their boundaries of what they understand and let us fall over our own feet, making mistakes that harm the world. It is much as seeing an line of ants, and know they are working together, in their own world, yet when a human foot steps on some of them, it's much a bomb hitting some of them. They continue despite that.. that's the Sidhe as well. They are in their own world, and do not flick an eyelash if a human intervene himself into their world either accidently or intentionally. Back to what I have felt, I have always felt a part of me have been missing for years, and it is already gone, claimed by the magic out there. I would do anything to return to what I belong, of where I feel comfortable in. This reality has no room for the likes of me. You know, there is a good friend, Curtis, who had greatly puzzled me. He seemed to know of what I go through, yet he is of the reality and in his own reality that does not make sense in the flow of life that Earth offers. He is not egoistic, but he does seem to think that the world goes around him, and that if something happens, he feels comfortable seeing it as an influence on him, even if it's a thousand miles away or five feet away. He would fantasize "what if's", yet he never attempted to accept the reality as it is. That's interesting because I'm more comfortable in the reality, yet feeling alienated from it, compared to him; he changes the reality to his own conformation, and intepreted any unwanted situation or chaos, either unexpected or expected, as an attack upon him alone. Makes you wonder who is more sane here.
Of the reality, I can see layers (dimensions) of different "realities" out there; I call them the Unspoken lands- you would never see anyone talking about them, but would have the courage to demonstrate in books, graphic novels, or music, but to accept their presence, never. Most see it as just a dream, either pleasant or horrible, to wake up from. It can be either good or evil, or even both at same time. It is the dark forest, the sunshine peering through leaves of the tall trees above, trying to expose the dark bushes that you can see the steady and deep eyes looking out at you from the security of the bushes. The whispers on the wind, taunting of dangers of secrets, it is where I feel more at home despite the fact is that it is on the edge of darkness, the danger itself. I always could see the antlered man, the dark deeper than shadows eyes, the naked faeries, the gentle redhead woman with answers in her eyes if you have the courage to ask. They would welcome me into their dimension, but I, for reasons unknown to me, cannot. There is something on Earth, that is holding me, chaining me, denying me freedom to choose. All I can do at this time, is to hold my aching heart and making a promise that I will come one day. One day I will stop dying, and that's when I will enter the darkness of the forest."

First writing

When I look at the monitor, I'm drawing a blank. It's like chaos in my mind, vying to be the first in the line to speak out. A part of me is afraid of speaking out, due to living with someone that cannot comprehend that I am not a clone of her, and that she fights to get me to follow what she wants me to go. Another part of me is eager to yell, "I'm free! I'm free to speak, I'm free to practice my beliefs!" A third part of me is sitting back, quietly, pondering if this will cause ripples to go through my life for what may happen, good or bad, and if I have the courage to continue. At least, this way of communication will be good for me to think, search for who I am supposed to be, knowing who I am at this time from the past to the present, and wondering who I will be in the future. Well, I have two years to go before I can see the end of this path of studying at the university, and see the finality of what may come up of completing the required classes and adding to my years of experience working with deaf people with disabilities and/or mental illnesses. One thing, I can tell you, of learning one thing from the jobs I had, whatever I may experience is nothing compared to what the deaf individuals with multi-disabilities or mental illnesses experience daily, and that keeps me humble and to appreciate what I can in my life (except for living with this....I'll give her a name, B.W. for now). I do look forward to when I earn enough money to move into my own apartment and get privacy I deserve to practice my beliefs, perform anything I wish to do without looking over my shoulder, and to enjoy friends without sheltering them from her hosility. One thing I promised myself, once I'm free of her presence, I will put up a candle and give thanks to Goddess for keeping me sane, that is if it's not too late.